Pink Tinks & other Things

So I had a bad night about 2 nights ago - I can try to blame it on the hormones, but honestly I think it would have been much the same even if I wasn't pregnant.

I was going through our room, cleaning out the closet, trying to get things organized for when we move in 2 months so it isn't a mad scramble. I'm also going through things and giving away what we don't need (meaning the pants Ryan has never worn in the 5+ years we have been together, unused purses, bags, dishes, etc) to CCA or Goodwill. Well, I was cleaning out all of the junk from his backpack so I could fit it into the one duffel I was letting myself keep and I came across his Creative Writing folder. The one he needed for English. The one he needed for English that semester. And I couldn't breathe. I was sitting on the bed, just staring at it, knowing I shouldn't open it, but of course I did. At the time I used the excuse of 'Well, he is an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing, maybe this is a different class', but I knew it wasn't. And of course that story was in it. And of course I couldn't resist reading his peers commentary on it. It was one of those stories you write a draft of, then your group of 4 or 5 people write their thoughts. And of course they all sympathized with him; they said things like they could understand with a wife like that, and how dare the wife be angry at the husband, and, I wish I was making this up 'Good for you for finding someone better'. I knew I shouldn't have read those - I knew it would upset me, but I had to.

I will give myself credit though, I did not read the story again. I had to read the last few sentences since the comments were made on the last page, but I left it at that. I knew what the story said, I didn't need to see it again - it would have just hurt me more and also made me angry because of the lies he put in it (like saying we didn't have sex for months, or that he had slept on the couch almost since we were married - he didn't sleep on the couch until after I took him back, and even then it was only for two days) to make me seem like a terrible wife.

Anyway, Ryan came into the room to see what I was doing (he had been watching TV in the living room) and saw that I had been crying and asked what was wrong, I really didn't want to talk about it so I said nothing and stuffed the few bags I let myself keep into the one duffel I had decided to keep (once the duffel was full I didn't let myself keep any more bags). He came over and had me stand up and he looked at me and looked really concerned and asked me again what was wrong. I told him nothing, but of course something was so he just kept looking at me and I said "Could you please just get rid of this?" and handed him the folder. It took him a minute but he recognized it and he said "Of course" and went and threw it away then came back into the room and held me while I cried for a good ten minutes. He kept saying "I love you. You're the only one I want. I love you." and was extra sweet to me that night, and now that I think about it, he has been extra sweet to me for the past few days.

I realize it will never fully go away, but I think that really helped me to be able to forget about it for another good while (I hadn't thought about it in months up until the other day). I love my husband.

Labels: random, ryan