Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Okay.. I lied.
Alright.. so I may have lied, though I didn't do so intentionally. Another downer post, FYI.
I'm hoping it is just the hormones making me think this way, but honestly I don't think it is. I'll just get to it - Ryan is acting like he did before he had the affair. Wow. That was really hard for me to type. Okay, back to the point. He is spending more time at work, saying he has work things to do, not getting home until 4 or 4:30 in the morning. Most of the time he blames it on making the schedule, which I can sometimes believe, but last night he was home by 2a. Not 4 or 5 like he usually is when making the schedule.
I also know of at least two girls up at his theater that have a thing for him. I'm pregnant, not stupid - I see how they interact with him when I've yet to make my presence known, and then I see how they act when they notice me there. I get bad feelings about these girls, even when meeting them for the first time, and I have never been wrong with this feeling. It's not all the girls he works with (which is 30 or so), just these two. It always comes the first time meeting them too - maybe it's a hormone thing sent off by them, not trying to be funny, but honestly maybe like something women emit when jealous/angry - kind of like pheromones. The only other girls I have had this feeling about have all came on to him, also. There was A, that we both worked with and felt him up (literally) in front of me; there was A-2, who informed him of her non-existent gag-reflex among other things when she also knew we were together; There was K, who made it clear to everyone that worked with the two of them (and their mothers) that she liked him, and she was also, ironically enough, best friends with the girl he had the affair with (that friendship is over), and of course the girl he had the affair with. So, a total of 4 girls before now, all of whom I have been right about. I'm also getting this feeling more from one of them than I am from the other.
I don't know what to do. I'm really scared (terrified, actually), as I thought we were doing really well lately. And we were. Then Ryan's grandpa passed away (may he rest in peace), top that off with it being winter now (Ryan has seasonal depression) and things aren't going so well anymore. He's taken his grandpa's death hard; he won't talk to anyone about it, but I can tell - his excuse is "Why talk about it? Nobody can say anything to make it better so why drag it out?", and while I can understand why he would think that, it still breaks my heart because he can't keep this bottled up inside, it will hurt him too much. The seasonal depression thing is something I'm sure he could also get help for if he talked to someone about it, but he won't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I think I know the answer deep down somewhere, but I can't force myself to realize it, I just have to wait for it to come. Last time I knew deep down that Ryan was being unfaithful, but there was still a part of me that didn't want it to be true so it pushed it away until one night it finally broke through to me and I broke down in the shower crying. Ryan found me like that when he did finally get home. He asked me what was wrong. I replied "Nothing." I lied.
I'm hoping it is just the hormones making me think this way, but honestly I don't think it is. I'll just get to it - Ryan is acting like he did before he had the affair. Wow. That was really hard for me to type. Okay, back to the point. He is spending more time at work, saying he has work things to do, not getting home until 4 or 4:30 in the morning. Most of the time he blames it on making the schedule, which I can sometimes believe, but last night he was home by 2a. Not 4 or 5 like he usually is when making the schedule.
I also know of at least two girls up at his theater that have a thing for him. I'm pregnant, not stupid - I see how they interact with him when I've yet to make my presence known, and then I see how they act when they notice me there. I get bad feelings about these girls, even when meeting them for the first time, and I have never been wrong with this feeling. It's not all the girls he works with (which is 30 or so), just these two. It always comes the first time meeting them too - maybe it's a hormone thing sent off by them, not trying to be funny, but honestly maybe like something women emit when jealous/angry - kind of like pheromones. The only other girls I have had this feeling about have all came on to him, also. There was A, that we both worked with and felt him up (literally) in front of me; there was A-2, who informed him of her non-existent gag-reflex among other things when she also knew we were together; There was K, who made it clear to everyone that worked with the two of them (and their mothers) that she liked him, and she was also, ironically enough, best friends with the girl he had the affair with (that friendship is over), and of course the girl he had the affair with. So, a total of 4 girls before now, all of whom I have been right about. I'm also getting this feeling more from one of them than I am from the other.
I don't know what to do. I'm really scared (terrified, actually), as I thought we were doing really well lately. And we were. Then Ryan's grandpa passed away (may he rest in peace), top that off with it being winter now (Ryan has seasonal depression) and things aren't going so well anymore. He's taken his grandpa's death hard; he won't talk to anyone about it, but I can tell - his excuse is "Why talk about it? Nobody can say anything to make it better so why drag it out?", and while I can understand why he would think that, it still breaks my heart because he can't keep this bottled up inside, it will hurt him too much. The seasonal depression thing is something I'm sure he could also get help for if he talked to someone about it, but he won't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I think I know the answer deep down somewhere, but I can't force myself to realize it, I just have to wait for it to come. Last time I knew deep down that Ryan was being unfaithful, but there was still a part of me that didn't want it to be true so it pushed it away until one night it finally broke through to me and I broke down in the shower crying. Ryan found me like that when he did finally get home. He asked me what was wrong. I replied "Nothing." I lied.
// posted by Lacey @ 10:14 AM 
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
