Pink Tinks & other Things

This post is going to be a downer, so if you came looking for something silly/random I suggest you click the little X on the top right corner of this screen.

First off, a rant. Ryan had to be at work at 5p yesterday. No biggie, that's normal. However he had a bad night; lots of people didn't show up, nobody was doing their job, things get screwed up, etc. Normally he is done by 3a at this time of year (Holidays push the time he gets home back by an hour or so), however he didn't get done with his work until 4:45am.

THEN, the cherry on the cake is that since there is a sneak preview of The Golden Compass today, somebody had to watch it last night. The person that was supposed to watch it went home and FELL ASLEEP. Ryan was unable to get ahold of him at 1a (They had to wait for the last movie to start AND a movie to end so they would have a free theater to watch it in), and isn't able to get ahold of him until 3:45a. He basically said he was too tired to watch it. WTF. Since it comes out today someone had to watch it, and guess who that someone was. YUP! Ryan. I felt bad for him, so I went up there with some food for him while he watched it.

Well, we go into the projection room and THE MOVIE ISN'T THREADED. Okay, a bit irritating, but not a big deal - I worked in projection when I worked there with Ryan and he also had a little bit of projection training, so we figure okay, we'll thread it through the projector and go watch it. Seems simple enough, right? WRONG. There is a HUGE piece of tape with the word "NO!" written on it across a very vital part of the projector that the movie has to be threaded through. Now, it has been a good 4-ish years since I've threaded a projector and a good year or so since Ryan has threaded one; neither of us knew how to thread the movie through the projector, so we had to MOVE IT. That's right, we had to lug the 30 pound reel (with thousands of feet of film) halfway across the theater to a projector Ryan felt comfortable threading. (Just so you know, if you thread a movie wrong, the print gets scratched, possibly burned, and is ruined. Meaning thousands of dollars down the tube.) Finally we got it moved, we threaded it, we watched it, and by the time we got home it was 8 IN THE MORNING.

A big deal because 1.) Ryan was there for 15 hours, and 2.) He had to be back up there at noon to work a nine-hour shift. I was SO mad - not at Ryan, but at the guy who was supposed to screen it, the projectionist that DIDN'T thread it even though he was told to, and Ryan's boss for scheduling him to close on a Friday night a month before Christmas when they are super busy, then wanting him to be back up there by noon the next day.

UGH. Okay, that was the rant. Here's the downer.

Last night while we were watching the movie I was laying on Ryan's shoulder and he leaned down and kissed the top of my head, then smelled it and said "Mmm. You smell good." I thought it was cute at the time, said thank you, gave him a kiss, etc. However, today while showering that moment suddenly popped into my head (probably because my conditioner smells stronger than my shampoo and I was conditioning my hair), and the very first thing I thought of was "It probably smelled good because it didn't smell like cucumber melon". I couldn't believe I thought that and nearly started crying right then and there because it hurt so much.

Now, this is something very personal, but this is my blog so I'm going to post it. If you know me, then you know why that comment hurt, for those of you that don't know me, a quick bit of information. 8 months after Ryan and I got married he had to have an emergency appendectomy because his appendix was about to burst inside him. Long story short the procedure cost $17,000. and his (CRAPPY) insurance paid $1,200. of it. We were in debt, trying to pay it off, I was forced to choose between my job and my health and chose my health, and things got very strained. Without going into too much detail, Ryan had an affair. There's your back story.

One of the first things that tipped me off (well, the main thing that sticks with me) was he had to write a true story for his creative writing class. He told me he was going to mix a bit of truth and a bit of fiction because he didn't feel he had a true story good enough for the assignment. I thought fine, whatever, what do I care if he lies in his class? His was titled 'No More Cupcakes' and was basically the story of how him and the other woman got together. Of course I read the story, got upset, etc. Partly because of the story line itself, partly because he was clearly lying in some parts of the story, and plus it made me, his wife, look like a total b*tch.

Anyway. The reason that thought upset me today was because there is a part in that story where he and the girl are watching a movie together, sitting side by side, and she lays her head on his shoulder. He then says "She smells good. My wife wears cucumber melon. _______ does not smell like cucumber melon."

I'm wondering why now, 3 years and a few months later, I am still hurt by this. I've forgiven him. I trust him again. I know he loves me and would never do anything like that again. Yet at the most random moments I have thoughts, like the one I had today, pop into my head and my heart breaks all over again. They make me think of him and that girl and UGH, it makes me want to throw up and I'm sitting here crying now because it still hurts just as much as it did the first day I found out.

Will this ever go away, or am I to be forever haunted by this? Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life, being happy one minute, and heartbroken the next? When will this end.

Labels: pathetic, rant, ryan, sob story, vent